I am continually amazed that Jesus entrusted his reputation to me here on earth. I am selfish, sometimes cherishing the very sin that is disintegrating my most cherished relationships. As I have spent my life in church communities, I have found people who are also amazed and others who can’t believe that Jesus has done this.
Church leaders have many ways to communicate what they think is important to God. Unfortunately, many of these things are not loving. The idea that God does not need anyone may be a deep, ontological truth, but we have neglected the relational desire that God has for people. As a result, the person we portray more closely resembles Narcissus than Jesus of Nazareth.
Conservative Evangelical churches tend to elevate Jesus to overcome our human tendency to minimize his influence. But the way that we try to increase his power in the lives of others obscures his character which is that of a humble servant who doesn’t lord his authority over others “like the Gentiles do.” The techniques that are used in churches to increase his power over others are earthly and not spiritual. And when we examine them honestly, I assert that we will find that we often try advance God’s kingdom by using the relational tools of a narcissist. And since we are genuinely Christ’s ambassadors, the world can only assume that we are accurately representing Jesus and they conclude that Jesus is a narcissist, a person who should be avoided to preserve their mental health.
Please consider these observations about how Jesus is represented by the leadership of the church. This article will explore the points of comparison between contemporary presentations of Jesus and dysfunctional relational styles such as narcissism.
FOG – Fear, Obligation, and Guilt are the primary motivators for sanctification
The FOG is an acronym that stands for “Fear, Obligation, and Guilt”. These three emotions are often how narcissists, sociopaths, and other types of emotional manipulators go about controlling others. However, this type of destructive manipulation isn’t just limited to narcissists and sociopaths. There is no shortage of people with well-intended bad advice out there who unintentionally fall into the FOG as well and push targets of abuse into keeping the relationship going.
“Out of the FOG” – Dana Morningstar
This kind of manipulation shows up in churches that identify themselves as defenders of the faith, holding closely to Biblical inerrancy and the supremacy of Christ. When this manipulation is present, Christ is not honored and his sheep struggle to recognize his voice. They expect to hear it in a supposedly Bible-oriented church, but the preaching and practice of this church relies heavily human explanations of the Bible, effectively denying the power of God (2 Tim. 3:5).
Fear
We sometimes think of fear as an emotion, but it is better considered to be a motivation. When we fear someone, we make decisions to avoid their retribution. Minor variations on this are to avoid disappointing them or driving them away. This decision-influencing role of fear is why the Bible tells us that we shouldn’t fear men. The opinions of men and the consequences for contradicting them should not determine what we do.
Fearing God is wise, but fearing God is also the behavior of the ungodly. A pedantic, one-definition-fits-all, approach to language suppresses the truth. Godly fear is the knowledge that God can destroy you. Ungodly fear, on the other hand, is the belief that he wants to destroy you. To distinguish between the 2 types of fear, you need to look at the effect that they have on the person. Just as Godly sorrow leads to repentance, so Godly fear leads to confidence entering the presence of God (Job 4:6). Ungodly fear results in avoidance, “calling to the mountains and rocks, ‘Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who is seated on the throne.’” (Rev. 6:16).
Another contrast between the two types of fear rests in an active threat. A fear of heights comes from a visceral awareness of the power of gravity and the proximity of that power being irrevocably exercised on one’s person. But standing over a cliff with a former ally behind you adds threat to the situation.
Knowing God as he has revealed himself in Scripture leads to the fear that also applies to forces of nature. Reading the Bible informs us of the scope of his power, what he has done with this power, and how he tends to exercise it. How he exercises his power is a complex question that the ungodly would prefer were answered with rules and logic. The Bible, however, informs us that this is known through relationship. Who receives God’s wrath? Who receives God’s protection? Then add “why” and “when” to each of these and the complexity is profound. This fear can be godly fear which keeps the righteous searching the Scriptures to know God better.
But human explainers (aka preachers) can come alongside the immature, the new believer and seek to explain the “what,” “how,” and “when” of God’s demonstrations of power without teaching them to know Christ. This was already an issue in the first century church. John used the phrase “know him” 3x as much as everyone else. This reflects that this tendency to hold onto measurable behaviors to make sure that our students have understood our instruction.
Finally, the rewards that Jesus promised are future and eternal and kept for us where moth, rust, and prodigal sons can’t get to them. So well-intentioned idiots turn to the penalties for the ungodly and twist them into threats leveled against believers because these are the only people who will bear to listen to such abuse.
Without the relationship with God being first and foremost in our preaching to the subjugation of rules and behaviors, God cannot be represented as loving. Instead, he is proclaimed as a narcissist.
Presenting Jesus as a narcissist shows up in taking the power of God that is appropriate to fear and turning that into a weapon that is directed unbiblically, often using guilt. The guilt that such preachers provoke keeps others fearfully dependent and unwilling to take action or express their own will. Guilt helps keep someone silent and keeps them from asserting themselves.
Keeping someone focused on guilt keeps them from experiencing joy in a relationship. It also keeps them from making change and improving anything about their life or about the lives of others.
Guilt is a tool of the narcissists to keep the oppressed person compliant and behaving according to the whims of the narcissist. When this happens in church, it is the ongoing guilt of sins that have been forgiven by Jesus. The one exercising the power in this relationship is the pastor or the preacher who wants the congregation acknowledging the power that he wields. And he claims to wield it in the name of Jesus.
This truly is taking Jesus’s name in vain.
Obligation
A vague or amorphous sense of guilt is unbiblical. This is provoked by legalism. An emphasis on the law in church chills. It is for the ungodly and The Sinner not the one who loves Christ and is seeking to please him.
Obligation is a form of slavery. It limits a person’s ability to take action by their own free will.
Having been bought with a price it’s something that should compel us to honor Christ rather than keeping us captive to the will of a local potentate in the form of a church pastor. When a local pastor holds the congregation in thrall. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It is important for us to separate ourselves from such false teachers. Either we confront them and expose their behavior with the language to name it as the evil that it is or we leave the church and refuse to support it financially.
Obligation keeps a person from exercising their gifts in the way that God intended. They put their life on hold. They put their ministry on hold to make sure that they are ready for whatever guilt induced volunteerism the pastor requires.
Obligation can be recognized by an inordinate focus on obedience without specifying that obedience is spiritually becoming like Jesus in heart and attitude/spirit. Proof-texting and trying to interpret the Bible like a horoscope for making life-decisions is demonic. You shall not interpret omens or tell fortunes. (Lev. 19:26 ESV) Obligation precludes someone doing anything out of love. When someone feels obligated, they do not have the freedom to say no nor the freedom to willingly participate and say yes. This can be done with a direct “you should…” or it can be done masquerading as an angel of light (“God has a plan for your life”). It doesn’t matter if it is a parent, boyfriend, or “spiritual” leader, anyone who causes a child of God to try to please them rather than Jesus needs to go find their millstone straightaway.
Guilt
Guilt is the state of having done something wrong, of being culpable for something whether specific or vague. The actual state of having violated a law is often assumed to imply intent. Narcissists bank on this confusion to keep their victims doubting themselves and their own motives. For when someone is off balance in this way, they can be manipulated and used. And this is where we find leaders of evangelical churches continuing the techniques of the Pharisees in Jesus day.
Christians who love Jesus and want to please him are particularly susceptible to manipulations by fleshly preachers –wolves in sheep’s clothing.. Paul’s focus on the sexual excesses of such preachers in his day has given Christians tunnel vision when identifying leaders who lead from the flesh and the law rather than from the Spirit of Christ. If someone keeps his pants zipped then he can very nearly get away with murder. Unless someone engages in sexual sin they are considered speak for Jesus.
But Jesus said this:
The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses;
3 therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things, and do not do them.
4 “And they tie up heavy loads, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger.
5 “But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries, and lengthen the tassels of their garments.
6 “And they love the place of honor at banquets, and the chief seats in the synagogues,
7 and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called by men, Rabbi.
8 “But do not be called Rabbi; for One is your Teacher, and you are all brothers.
9 “And do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven.
10 “And do not be called leaders; for One is your Leader, that is, Christ.
11 “But the greatest among you shall be your servant.
12 “And whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.
Matt. 23:2-12 NAS
Examples of Narcissistic Behaviors
The behavioral expectations that are placed on children reveal some disturbing and unconfessed facets of our theology,
Implying that Jesus is firstly concerned about being treated with respect
This can appear as innocuous as “Don’t run in the sanctuary.” But it also appears in the proportion of worship songs that emphasize God’s majesty over his other characteristics. Jesus came to serve rather than be served. During his life, Jesus concealed his deity, his identity as the Messiah. When he returns, he will rule with an iron rod. Until then, he seeks those who will worship him in Spirit and truth. He washed his disciples’ feet much to their consternation.
Denying points of comparison between God and things on earth
This is couched in terms such as “God is so much higher than anything else that it dishonors him to compare him to anything else.”
This is also done by reserving certain words to describe God alone. When I was a kid, back in the 80s and 90s “Awesome” was a common expression of approval. I heard youth pastors decry how this cheapened Biblical awe.
Who is like you, O LORD, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders?
Exodus 15:11 ESV
Focusing on the behavior of others, especially unbelievers
The cultural changes that have been taking in our society in recent years may seem horrifying. But they pale in comparison with the eternal torment that everyone who does not know Jesus will face forever! So pastors who take pot shots at unbelievers in their sermons puff up themselves and their hearers. They do not promote the compassionate love for the enslaved. They inoculate them against the attitude which was in Christ Jesus.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
Philippians 2:3-6 ESV
Failing to distinguish between Biblical inerrancy and our fallible interpretation
This lack of humility is remarkable. If someone else reads the Bible from a perspective we can’t understand, they are vulnerable to the accusation of not believing in inerrancy. This is the evangelical version of crying “racism.” It frees us from the burden of listening to them because, we believe, that they cannot have anything true to say unless they start with our presuppositions.
Believing in Biblical inerrancy does not prevent us from deeply perverting the message of Scripture. The devil is delighted for you to fight to the death over the inerrancy of Scripture. For in doing that you have complete and utterly missed the Spirit of Christ. You are literally fighting over words.
Remind them of these things, and charge them before God not to quarrel about words, which does no good, but only ruins the hearers.
2 Timothy 2:14 ESV
Understanding the Bible isn’t expressed through a changed mind—someone admitting you are right, but through a changed heart, loving Jesus, confessing sin, and walking with him, letting him bring about change. We are not Mohammedans who argue people into our kingdom at the point of a sword. If we were to lift up Jesus, he would draw everyone to himself. People will desire to know him.
In contrast with this, starting with inerrancy portrays Jesus as a narcissist who has to be acknowledged as being right before someone can have a relationship with him. How did we decide to help the devil turn people against Jesus? Why do we portray Jesus as a narcissistic jerk?
Not Listening
Preaching, lecturing, rebuking, or nattering on in any way before listening to someone is the same as a clanging cymbal. There is no love. True love does not merely exist in one’s own mind to be expressed however it first seems appropriate. There is a way that seems right to a man, and all that applies to showing love without listening. Love adapts and flexes so that the object of love might actually perceive the love as love and welcome it.
Without listening, we have no relevance. Listening itself demonstrates care and a desire to understand. Until we establish rapport and prove to their satisfaction that we have understanding, our advice cannot be trusted. Directions that we give are like Google Maps without GPS signals. If we think we can direct someone to Jesus, we better know where they are starting.
The Path to Healing
Healing comes through reframing what it means to seek first the kingdom of God.
We want to be faithful representatives of Jesus to the world. This includes his authority over all creation, but we need to trust his timing and that he has chosen to conceal this for now. When we do seek to emphasize his power over others, we lack his example so we substitute the examples that we can find, those of tyrants and narcissists.
How do we ensure that we and our children have a Godly relationship with God? This requires teaching beyond merely countering and rebuking narcissistic “Christianity.” We need a true vision of Christ. He was content to come to earth as a lowly babe who couldn’t even feed himself. Through his obedience he has been given the name that is above every other name, but that hasn’t changed him. He is still willing to bring healing to those who don’t know how to honor him. He despised the shame of the cross for the joy of saving us. He can certainly endure the childish ignorance of the new believer as they become whole and able to love him in return.
What he doesn’t endure are those who block the way for others. “Woe to you lawyers! For you have taken away the key of knowledge. You did not enter yourselves, and you hindered those who were entering.” (Lk. 11:52 ESV). What is it to hinder someone from entering into knowledge of Christ? Jesus’s whole diatribe was kicked off by the Pharisees’ surprise that Jesus was not ceremonially washing before the meal. What little things do we justify? What behaviors do we consider normal that keep people from humbly and joyfully walking with Jesus?
We have people around us, a church-like community, people who are able to satisfy the quirky requirements that we take for granted. We may not even notice that the way we dress, the songs we sing, how we greet one another, or the way we talk about people who aren’t part of our community, all place a distance between “them” and “us.” And when we make sure that everyone identifies Jesus as part of “our” group then these quirky, but unbiblical boundaries are hindering those who used to be entering.
We don’t naturally realize that these normalized behaviors are peculiar or off-putting for the uninitiated. While this is natural it is unlike Jesus who emptied himself to take on our likeness. We can bridge much of this natural gap between ourselves and not-yet-Christians with humility, accepting that we are weird. We should be, but may it be that we are oddly hopeful and surprisingly unconcerned about the actions of those who can kill the body but can’t do a damn thing beyond that. To do otherwise is to be like almost any given Evangelical church in America. To do otherwise is to be like those hired in the morning who resent the master’s generosity when he pays those who only worked one hour with the same amount that he promised those who worked through the heat of the day.